milkweed musings

I’ve been so inspired by friends’ art and creative expression. Being an audience to others and seeing how they process this world (and all the wild feelings that inhabit us) has made me reflect on how I’ve been managing to process my own lived experience. I’ve been handling it…how do you say… poorly? Ha!

But after many, many months of working to strengthen my mental fortitude, I’ve been blessed with enough motivation to express myself in ways that feel effective and right. Intentional creation! Can you believe?

This project began as something else completely during a collage hangout with my buddy Sabrina (an artist specializing in collage, Twiggy’s manager, and a fellow Leo are just a few things on this star’s resume). The story I was trying to build on was a recurring mental storm building and then receding, and then returning again. The tone was bleak, with a light touch of empathy and maybe some hope. It was challenging trying to convey emotions of despair in such a visual format. My thoughts were disorganized and I ultimately think I wasn’t ready to confront those feelings through visual art. That’s fair. I mean, it was literally my first collage project (lol). But then again, I’ve never dipped my toes into something new when I could just cannonball in.

I tabled my initial idea and returned later on to my pool of magazine cuttings. Digging through Nat Geo mags (50s-60s issues), I was drawn to the ads and how idyllic the lives were that were trying to be sold to the reader. Everything could change for the reader if they just buy [this product], or if they just travel to [some gorgeous faraway place]. This is a recurring theme, as for much longer than any of us have been alive, humans have been persistently harassed persuaded through media to purchase items, services or experiences to improve their life. Varying industries have grown exponentially by profiting off physical, social, and mental insecurities, making many feel there is something wrong within their self when the sickness is actually rooted in our society.

It’s bad enough that so many of us are constantly weighing whether we need to fix whatever is wrong with us. We are also burdened by the constant presence of ads offering empty solutions (I’ve even written a song about this, complaining how ads are “at the beach, at the bar, at the pump putting gas in my car… in my dreams, in the stars — everywhere I go, there they are”).

Inspired by this building exasperation, I began gathering words and phrases that well-represented the voice of pushy advertising. The tone of the project only shifted into a more positive direction after a few afternoons spent looking at old pictures and writings from when I was a kid (more on that soon in another post).

Reading the written thoughts of my younger self helped me connect with myself in a way that was blocked for a very long time. Empathy entered my system and carved out a bigger space to reflect on one of my long-lived pain points: what’s wrong with me, and will I ever get better? These days of reflection manifested in the three-part visual, “Announcing the New, Do-It-Yourself System to End Worry Now!”

These three pieces are my take on an advertisement, but instead of selling myself a product, I’m attempting to persuade the reader (myself) that trying countless methods to improve oneself isn’t conducive to “getting better”. I am not a lab experiment, and I’m not a problem needing to be fixed. Below are the three pieces at a glance, each one immediately followed by a closer look at the details.

Step 1: First you must SEE yourself (look within)

Allowing myself to be seen in all my different stages and conditions has been tough, because sometimes I’ve been ashamed of what I see. But accessing the inspired, imaginative and loving energy that I so boldly exuded as a child really helped me see that much of what I’ve been wanting to be has already lived within me.

A closer look into part one:

Step 2: Listen as your inner self speaks to you

Intuition, the gut, the heart… so often we hear of the importance of listening to oneself. I’ve struggled persistently with negative self-talk for years. This horrible narrative usually occurs automatically as a reaction to stress and insecurity. But when I listen intentionally, what can I hear? It’s quiet, the voice, but it’s present. There is empathy and forgiveness. There’s an understanding that the while the narrative being conveyed comes from my stress response, these thoughts don’t represent who I am. There is hope, a vision of a future. There is clarity with direction. There is a growing confidence and opportunity to trust myself. It’s the sweet sound of self acceptance.

A closer look into part two:

Step 3: forget what you’ve learned — quiet your mind!

This final part was inspired by how often the word “relax” and phrase “don’t worry,” appeared in the magazines’ advertisements. Relaxing and not worrying in this economy? Girl… Anyway, a part of meeting myself where I’m at involves mindful thought and action, but this has historically been a challenge for me because my brain is so busy with anxious thoughts. It’s like one of those streets where the pedestrian walkways are the entire intersection and there are people walking in every possible direction (or the Bucktown Trader Joe’s on a Saturday morning).

So this third piece is about quieting the mind and body. Stillness, when I’ve accessed it, has helped me understand the connection between a rested nervous system and the ability to visualize change. Does that make sense? Because I feel like practicing stillness, sitting with Self, and quieting the mind has been the most effective way of viewing life practically instead of through a lens of despair. If my thoughts are constantly racing, trying to dig out space for rational thinking is like trying to dig a hole at the beach with your hands. Tiny streams of dry sand escape through the cracks of your fingers, filling the hole while you earnestly try to keep growing it. It’s counteractive.

A closer look into part three:

All this being said, I worry that my thoughts in these pieces aren’t linear or cohesive enough, that the narrative I’m trying to convey doesn’t make enough sense (but the lil guy at the bottom of #3 tells me not to worry soooo). But I think that’s kind of a good example of why it’s important that I acknowledge and listen to myself intentionally. When I approach myself with good intention, I’ll be able to access the parts of me I thought weren’t there because they were quieter than the blaring negative voices.

Thank you so much for taking time to look at what I’ve put together. Don’t forget that everything you’re looking for is already inside you. And certainly don’t forget to ENJOY!